7 days remaining

Before I begin, let me give you a little history, I wrote this last semester on April 30, 2013:

 

Somehow I had convinced myself that this small step was insignificant, that the 16+ years I've fought to get here really only mattered to me and didn't need to be celebrated publicly. I had convinced myself this was *just* an Associates degree, and since I'll be getting my Bachelor's degree next year I could celebrate then. I had convinced myself that the pain, sacrifices and fight I had to endure to get here just wasn't important enough to acknowledge. Somehow I deceived myself.

This is JUST an Associates degree and next Spring I'll be getting JUST my Bachelors. However, they both represent SO much more than just degrees. It represents the struggle that started so many years ago on the campus of SDSU when that man decided to rape me and nothing but a domino effect of "not so good things" began to happen. It represents the alone-ness I endured just trying to survive through that, with no one but God. It represents the beginning of the day I had to withdraw from school because of the fear and trauma that goes along with rape. This degree represents the fight I have within me to complete that which I started, EVEN if it took me 16+ years, a marriage, two kids and a divorce. This degree and the one next year represents that The Lord is Real. Jesus is not my religion, He isn't merely Someone I look to as an example of how to live a good life. He IS my life. He is my ALL. He is the reason I am alive--literally--today. All because of His Mercy and Grace. What I have accomplished and continue to accomplish is not because of me, but ONLY ALWAYS because of Jesus. If you are inclined to congratulate me, thank you!! :-)) But I want you to know that in doing so, you along with me are acknowledging that this was a partnership. Jesus lead, and I just followed. 

Today April 2014 this me: 

Today I am one week out from accomplishing a dream I've had since 1996. That dream has been to graduate. Just to graduate. Not to pursue a career, or make money. I just wanted to complete something I started for me. I started this college journey in 1996 and I can truly say in 2014 " I am MORE than a conqueror"! I've conquered numerous things that some did not make it out alive from. Jesus. I didn't have family to help. Just Jesus. I sacrificed financially to make this come true. Jesus provided. A few days out from graduating and the devil wouldn't go down without a fight. Last time around I dropped out of college because of a rape. I am days out from graduating and.....I'm having to confront someone who has taken it upon himself to become a stalker. This last incident of him contacting me took me back to 1998. That dreadful time I was fearful to leave my dorm room, or even go outside. This was me yet again. Only this time, I've matured in age and in the Lord. My initial reaction to him contacting me was complete fear and a little paranoia. As this particular person knows more about my whereabouts than I would care. Is he watching me at school, has him driven by my house? See, the encounter with this male was so brief I don't have a good recollection of what he looks like, to know if any of this is true. Yet, as all this ran through my mind as I lay in bed..I sought the Lord. I gave it all to Him. I proclaimed out loud that I was going to trust the Lord and His protection over me and not live in fear. That is what I am doing. However, I did react and delete some foot prints I have on the world wide web, where finding people is as easy as a click of a button. (SN: if I begin to slowly disappear from social networks, it's for my own security and sanity). The Lord got me through 1998 and I am convinced He didn't bring me through 18+ years to the end of this college dream, to let it not happen. 

I look forward to May 2nd. That is the day I graduate from a University with a 4 year degree that's taken me nearly 18 years to get. As someone once told me, time will past no matter what. And that is true. Time moves on and little by little I stuck with this dream and now it ends--successfully.

People ask me now, "what do you want to do when you graduate"? My response it always, "nothing". I pursued this journey as a personal endeavor to complete what I started. I know in the process I've been an example for my kids, and inspiration for others. For that I am grateful, but it's not why I did it. I did it for me. For years and years I asked the Lord to remove my desire to complete college if that wasn't what HE wanted for me. You have to understand my greatest desire is not to make money, it is to please the Lord. So asking that question was quite reasonable given He might have wanted something else for me. I am thankful He allowed me the desires of my heart. Where I go from here is in the hands of the Lord. I will make plans, submit them to the Lord and the ones that happen, are the ones He approves of. 

So what does my future hold, you might ask? According to me...my desire is to go to grad school, relocate and get married. However, I have learned the blueprints of my life are in the Lord's hands. Therefore I shall go where He leads me. 

Patterns.

Patterns are useful. They aren't always a great thing, though. Keeping in mind Psychology and human behavior is most always on my mind, I think patterns reveal a lot of things. Patterns can reveal who a person has become based on their past.. Most times when I observe a behavior that is considered not positive, I always mentally note to watch for patterns. Patterns of behavior, patterns of speech, patterns of what isn't being said or patterns of what is ALWAYS being said. This blog post has absolutely nothing to do with psychology or human behavior. However, I wanted to give you a little nugget of insight about me (giggles). Actually I wanted to set the scene: patterns are useful.
This blog post is actually about my hair. I've been on what I would consider my "hair journey" since 2007. Throughout this journey I've learned how to properly care for my African American hair so not only is it healthy, but so that I see some growth. IT IS A MYTH THAT BLACK WOMEN'S HAIR CAN NOT BE LONG. Yes, I was shouting that, hence all the caps. Over the last 6 years of hair care, I've grown my hair to lengths that have people asking " is that your real hair?!" (in which my answer is always, YES--said nicely, of course). But for the last 3+ years I've not cared so much for the length, but have tried focusing more on the health of my hair.

A little hair history: My hair is fine. It is not thin. Thin and fine are NOT the same things. My hair is fine. That means I use a mild relaxer for my hair and it still comes out straight. My hair is fine enough that all I really have to do to get it straight is blow dry it with a dryer that has a comb attachment. Anyone that knows anything about hair knows that the ends of your hair is the oldest. As my hair gets longer, the ends get thinner. That means starting off with fine hair, as it ages the ends don't look so pretty, after a while. That's why I am guilty of being scissor happy. The last few times I've cut my hair it's been 3 inches at a time. That's because of thin ends that don't make me happy, and....AND because of this other little problem. The middle of my hair grows slower than the sides. As a result, from the back of my hair it always looks like I have a "thin" spot towards the ends of my hair. After watching a YouTube video, I had a light bulb moment. It isn't that I need to keep cutting my hair so it's even; I just need to accept that  the middle of my hair grows slower. Being who I am, I needed to research if this was indeed true. (see how I just threw my psychology love in there?!Researcher, eh!) I pulled up my hair pictures from 2007 and from the beginning I've always had the same exact ‘trouble spot’. This really isn’t a trouble spot at all, but just a place on my head where my hair grows slower. In having a hair journey this is why taking update pictures is so important. I was able to pull out my pictures and based on the patterns come to a pretty solid conclusion that now helps me in how I will go about dealing with my hair. After this new light bulb moment, I've resolved not to cut my hair anymore. Well, not exactly. I will continue trimming my hair, but I will not be cutting 3 inches off at a time trying to even out my hair when that's just not how my hair grows.

In this instance and usually in most all instances, I am very happy for patterns. Take note. There is always a pattern you can identify that proves or disproves what you want.


The proof is in the pictures! Over 6 years of cutting, my hair is still growing the same.

 

2007

 

Last hair cut in April 2013

Current 

Too Faced a la mode

Happy Resurrection Sunday!!! Jesus is risen. He's alive!!

Hi beautiful people!!! I have not forgotten about you, blog. I've been super busy. I am now in the countdown to graduation!!!! Any who, I am ready to mentally check out of school but I can't. So to brighten my funky mood I played in makeup today. Enjoy some pictures :-)

Kisses!!!!