It's time to jump.

I'm ready to get off this roller coaster. The ups and downs. I can't do it anymore. The pain in my chest. The inability to breathe. The shaking. The obsessive amount of fear. I can't do it anymore. I want to get off this ride. I'm tired. I'm sick. 

From the outside looking in I look as though I have this ride under control. Like the ride is going smooth. The cheers and applauds of how well I'm doing, the praise, the admitted jealous from others.. It all sickens me.  My ride may indeed be different from the ride you have. With a smile plastered on my face, I look as if I'm okay. I look like the ride is smooth. Yet it's anything, but. My ride is rough and bumpy. Many of the bumps causing me to think I might just meet my destiny. The seatbelt is on. It's tight. But the swift moves of this ride has loosened the safety my seat belt once provided. As I continue to clinch the rails for dear life, I can feel its only a matter of time. The ride continues. Round and round. Up and down. Faster and faster with every round. The ride never stops, but I'm ready to get off. Every ride in life is more tolerable when you have someone along for the enjoyment. This ride is solo. All those I thought would come along with me, didn't. Those I trusted are there, but they're in the crowds... down below. They're smiling and waving. Their presence is so far from me. The smiles and waves from afar aren't helping me. The ride isn't less painful with people cheering *from the sidelines* Had they been there next to me on this ride holding my hand, the end result of this all could potentially be different. I stayed so long on this ride thinking as I passed them they'd hear my plea and cry for help. Were they listening to my cries with every round of this ride I passed them?! Was I not loud enough with my pleas? Were they so preoccupied in other things that my ride was insignificant compared to what was happening in their direct view?! All the lies they told me. They told me we were family. They told me they cared. But on this ride none of that has been evident. Why couldn't they see my tears behind the smiles. Why was I begging and pleading to be seen, to no avail. It's time to make a change. I'm ready to get off this roller coaster. 

For eight years I've continued to ask, " how does one get off a ride that doesn't stop?!" See, we all know when it comes to a roller coaster ride, you wait until it stops, unfasten your seatbelt and walk off the ride. Simple, right? Wrong. This ride is different. This ride doesn't stop. This ride continues. Imagine with me...a roller coaster that continues but somehow an individual has to get off. What is the plan? How does someone get off a ride that doesn't stop. That remains the question. From my view above the crowd, as the one on this ride, I find there are only two choices: 1) jump off. 2) stay on. Brilliant, right? It seems the outcome of either choice results in damage. So at this point the decision really lies in choosing one of the two choices that will leave the least amount of damage. If I jump from a ride that is going at a speed that I can't even calculate, will I survive? However, if I stay on this ride will I eventually end up falling to my demise anyways?! 

I choose. I choose to jump. Staying on this ride hasn't worked this far, so there's no reason for me to believe anything will change if I stay on. Staying on is also an easy out. It doesn't take courage for me to continue doing what I've been doing. The courage comes in doing something I haven't done. I must jump. If I calculate my jump correctly, not only will I survive with very minor damage but I'll be given a chance at life. Because as of today on this ride, I'm not living. I'm merely existing. I'm ready to live. I'm ready to see all that there is to see beyond this ride. What exactly lies beyond what my eyes have been able to see on this ride?? I don't know, but I'm ready to find out. I'm ready to jump. 

1....2......It's time.