Abandonment.

Abandonment. Childhood. Adulthood. 

How does one take all these components and make sense of them. I used to think that what happened to you in childhood was unfortunate but you “gotta get over it”. I was wrong --in a way. You can never “just get over it”. You can however, make progress and try and not let it make or break you, but that’s it. It will always hurt. It does hurt. It will make you cry. Cry a lot. The tears will continue to flow even when you don’t want them to. Even when you can’t make sense of it all. Even as you continue to ask the questions, “what did I do?!”  I keep asking myself that—what did I do? (see, somehow it's always my fault. Always)  Why am I so invisible? Why don’t they want me? I have asked myself this so many times, in so many different ways and I can’t come up with an answer. Where does one fit if not where you’re supposed to fit? Years later, as much as I try the pain still exists. Abandonment is a lifelong battle for me. Abandonment throughout life. This “issue” has SO many faces. Ugly faces. Painful faces. Insecure faces. Hidden-behind-smiles faces. Inappropriate attention seeking faces. All these faces trying to find one thing: a sense of belonging. Someone who wants me. All these faces in silence.Today was the end of the silence. I can’t cry in silence anymore.  I can’t question in silence anymore. I will not go to my grave holding on to this. Today is a day of growth. 

I don’t want to upset anyone, because of course that means I won’t be wanted. I want to cover for everyone because I can handle the pain while they get the praise. I can’t do it anymore. Today I am not strong. Today I am that ten year old child who was abruptly taken from her mother never knowing why. Today I am that junior in high school who abruptly lost her guardians. 

Today I am Abandonment. Today I am broken.