It's an unending cycle. I'm a hamster in a wheel. I'm also that person who can peer inside the wheel and see the craziness. I'm both. At the same time. But I can't make it stop. The wheel continues to spin around and around, and I don't get off. I want it to stop. But I also don't want it to stop. I love it. And I hate it.
My perpetual cycle.
Within me I agonize over the pain it causes, the damage I know it's doing. But while in agony, a smile finds its way through because I'm also reminded how powerful it makes me feel. How much control I have. I loudly proclaim and embrace with much authority, the deadly weapon I have. The pleasure is beyond words at times. The struggle is alive. The enemy has a tight foothold. The grip is strong.
One day I'll wake up and say enough! But this scene has played out more times than I like to admit and as time passes, with every choice, I'll find myself back on this wheel.
It's endless. It's painful. It's pleasure.
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