That "click"

It just happens.  Without permission. Without desire. One day you wake up and that feeling you thought you could never feel again is there. It's not an everyday kinda feeling. It's not something you can manufacturer or even make yourself feel. It just happens.

Chemistry.

It is reminiscent of an object being drawn in by a magnetic force. The force overwhelmingly pulls you in. The object has no choice but to be on beck and call. It becomes the servant to the master. No matter how much I ponder on this fascinating thing,  it remains unexplainable. It's as real as real is. But can't be seen. It can only be felt. This energy can't be lust because physical intimacy isn't involved. It's not infatuation because it's beyond what you even want. What you desire isn't even taken into consideration when this connection happens. It's something that takes over and begins to just exist. It takes up room in your heart without a deposit.

I think I always want it to be this way. I want to *feel* the connection. I want to *feel* chemistry.

While feelings are in no way are indictators of what is right, or what should be. They play the role of a check engine light alerting you that something needs your attention. I like the way this feels. It allows me to know I'm alive. It makes me feel alive. I've been on the other side of this coin. The side where the pain hurt so much I could only stop feeling. Not just pain, but everything. I just existed. For much too long I existed in this state. And while it was safe, it was miserable and unpleasant in every sense of the word. And while where I am now is equally uncomfortable and some days painful-- I want this side. I want to feel whatever emotions I may be experiencing. This allows me to grow. To experience. To learn. To love. To hope. To believe. To desire. To be human. To loosen the reins of control.

There are a lot of things in life that out of our control. Top among those, are feelings and emotions. Yet,  it's these that can often times tell you more about what's going on inside of you, than words themselves. And what I'm being told TODAY is.....in this world of nightmares....it's safe to believe in fairytales, afterall.

Fearing the unknown

I can't get over the fear. That which I desire most,  I fear. Fear holds me captive. I'm a prisoner who holds her own keys. The locked door is so very near, and I hold the key. But the fear of opening the door and seeing all that might be on the other side,  keeps me imprisoned. I want so badly to experience the other side. I want to breath the fresh air,  see the beauty of my surroundings. Engage with the people.  There is freedom that comes with reaching a desire and seeing it come into existence. But I just can't extend my reach far enough to put the key in the lock and let myself out of my own self imposed prison.  The prison I don't want to be in. The prison I daily grieve and wish to be different. But it all lies in my hands.

I just can't. I want to,  but I can't. My dreams,  my desires. I want all those. But they stay locked in this prison with me until I find the courage to come out. I have experienced courage in so many things, and I know the journey isn't over. There is so much more to overcome, says the mighty princess warrior that lives within me. But she's missing what she needs to get to the other side. I can't loosen  myself from these self imposed shackles of fear which keep me bound. But when and how did this all happen?  When did fear become so great it paralyzed me. The answer is obvious. The reality is frightening.

For so long this princess warrior has fought her battles alone. She's broken free of so many things. She's reached so many heights with no one by her side. She's been strong so long. The question must be asked, is it really fear that holds her captive,  or is she merely waiting to be rescued. Somewhere in the distance her knight must be awaiting her. But she'll never know because fear keeps her imprisoned. All that she wants from life is on the other side of the door. Yet between her and the door continues to stand one thing.  Fear.