That "click"

It just happens.  Without permission. Without desire. One day you wake up and that feeling you thought you could never feel again is there. It's not an everyday kinda feeling. It's not something you can manufacturer or even make yourself feel. It just happens.

Chemistry.

It is reminiscent of an object being drawn in by a magnetic force. The force overwhelmingly pulls you in. The object has no choice but to be on beck and call. It becomes the servant to the master. No matter how much I ponder on this fascinating thing,  it remains unexplainable. It's as real as real is. But can't be seen. It can only be felt. This energy can't be lust because physical intimacy isn't involved. It's not infatuation because it's beyond what you even want. What you desire isn't even taken into consideration when this connection happens. It's something that takes over and begins to just exist. It takes up room in your heart without a deposit.

I think I always want it to be this way. I want to *feel* the connection. I want to *feel* chemistry.

While feelings are in no way are indictators of what is right, or what should be. They play the role of a check engine light alerting you that something needs your attention. I like the way this feels. It allows me to know I'm alive. It makes me feel alive. I've been on the other side of this coin. The side where the pain hurt so much I could only stop feeling. Not just pain, but everything. I just existed. For much too long I existed in this state. And while it was safe, it was miserable and unpleasant in every sense of the word. And while where I am now is equally uncomfortable and some days painful-- I want this side. I want to feel whatever emotions I may be experiencing. This allows me to grow. To experience. To learn. To love. To hope. To believe. To desire. To be human. To loosen the reins of control.

There are a lot of things in life that out of our control. Top among those, are feelings and emotions. Yet,  it's these that can often times tell you more about what's going on inside of you, than words themselves. And what I'm being told TODAY is.....in this world of nightmares....it's safe to believe in fairytales, afterall.