See, the thing about me is I'm a black and white thinker. I just am. It's either this or it's either that. There's no both. I don't do gray. Yet here in lies my problem. I've made all the necessary plans to start working out again. I've even gone so far as to join a gym! *gasp* I'm excited and thrilled. But confused. Tonight I searched the interwebs and found all sorts of triathlons and half marathons I'd love to do. I told myself some time ago, that it was best for me to go back to running. Then on the other hand, I peruse the interwebs and I'm bombarded with fitness stuff. Stuff that reminds me of the "good old days". The days I could bounce coins off any part of this body. The days when my abs were thebomb.com. Those were the days. Not really. Those were also the days I was obsessed with how I looked and what I ate. But you see, it didn't start off that way. I started the fitness journey with innocence, but somewhere in the midst of it things turned really ugly. I told myself I'd never go back there. So that's why tonight I sit in confusion of what I should do.
I guess I should tell you another thing about myself... I need goals. I need something to reach or I'll do nothing. I need a race or a bikini shoot or even a vacation. I have to have something that motivates me even when I don't want to workout. Do I begin training for a half marathon or triathlon-those things I love. Or do I begin hitting the weights hard so I'm not making ugly faces at my cellulite-i love the results. Even as I write all this down, I just don't know.
Similar to the the children of Israel in the Bible, I miss my Egypt. But the thing about Egypt is "the reality is forgotten". I had an awesome body, but one that wasn't really maintainable. I mean I wasn't going to live my life eating salmon and tuna. Nah buddy. It's when that reality hit and I began gaining weight, I FREAKED out. Not just a little freak out either. I'm talking major, F.R.E.A.K.O.U.T!!!!! Then as time continued to pass the reality set in that where I was, WAS indeed reality. And the other stage was just a stage. I can't even explain the mental distress this causes. To those who haven't experienced it, it sounds trivial. But believe me, it's anything but. I don't want that again.
Running and triathlons made me happy. It wasn't about aesthetics. It was simply about being fit. And I was always content during those times. Weights brought about a vanity I didn't care for. Yet it's so much easier for me to spend 15 minutes doing a weights routine, than it is finding 30 minutes to an hour to run, or train for a race . Talk about confusion. I think I'm going to begin slowly. I just need to start. Start anything. Confusion keeps me stuck, and being stuck means I'm making zero progress. So for today, I will make up mind to just do something. Where that something leads, I'll let you know.
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