Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

 I miss you. I miss what I never had. Someone asked me, how could I miss someone I have never even met. The truth is, I can’t really explain how. All I can explain is I do. I can explain the sadness I feel when I think about how much I wish you were here, but you’re not. When I look at my brother and hear him tell me all the stories of life with you, I miss you. When I’m laughing with my brother over something silly, I wish you were there to be a part it. If for only but a moment. If for only one hug. If for only one spoken word from your voice that I could hear. I miss that. I miss all that which I have never had. 

Fifty percent of your DNA runs through me, so there is something naturally within me that desires that in which I came from. The longing my heart has now for a daddy has always been there. I've been one lucky girl to have the longing filled by The Father Himself. He has taken the greatest care of me, Daddy. I don’t know the why’s of your absence from my life, but My Father in heaven took excellent care of me in your absence. He has been my all. He continues to be. Regardless of what the naysayers continue to say about my Father, Jesus is not my religion. No. He is my Father. He is my Daddy. Just as sure as I know I am a Price, I know I am a Christian. I know who both my Daddy’s are. Nothing anyone can say about either of you two will ever change that. Just as long as I have life, you will be my Daddy. From now and into eternity, Jesus will always be my Father.

But…......Daddy, I still miss you. 

I trust the Lord and his plans in all things, but this girl just wants her daddy. Tonight I wish you were here because I want you to hold me and tell me life will be okay. See, nothing in life is wrong, but everything in life can only be made better when a girl has the arms of her Daddy holding her. From what I’m told you really weren't all that touchy feely, which is okay. I’d just lay right next to you. That would be just fine with me. Just being near you would be enough. But Daddy, since you’re not here thank you for giving me such a great big brother. You would be so proud of him. He is an excellent father! I am the proudest sister ever! I never knew anyone could be as great a parent as I am, but I was wrong J He takes good care of me as well, which makes him an excellent brother, too. In your absence he is doing well by you. He’s even passing on some of that great wisdom you left him. We have some of the greatest talks and he passes down to me things you passed down to him. I cherish those talks and moments with him. Thank you for giving that to him, so I could receive it. Your son is a great man. A very good man.

 And today, both your son and daughter love and miss you Daddy.

Only six weeks

The old adage "time flies when you're having fun" has me stumped right now. Six weeks is a relatively short period of time for most things, but for me today it seems like a very long time. Yet, I wouldn't say I'm having fun. So am I having fun and I just don't know it because these six weeks have flown by so fast? Or is it because I wait in expectation? Hmmm. Can't be that because usually time goes slow when you're waiting, right? I'm all confused.

What I do know is six weeks ago today things looked different. Incredibly different. Yet that different wasn't what I wanted. What I have now is what I wanted, then. But guess what...where I am now is not where I want to be. Well, it is but not exactly. Go figure. I need to give myself a few more weeks. More months. More patience. These six weeks I've learned, been exposed, witnessed and experienced so many things. Things that I've always wanted to. Things I had only read about in books or on social networks. It all made sense once I was able to see that which I never knew, but now I do. I can't say the last six weeks have not been by His plan. He is Sovereign and in control. Control. I just need to say that word a few more times to make sure I know who's really in control. See, I think I am. But I'm not. Nothing is going at the pace I want it to. The Bible says, man plans his ways but God directs (Proverbs 16:9). I made a plan, went through with it and now I must submit to the Director. He is directing things perfectly and though I know this, I still am not happy with it. I want to control and direct how this is supposed to go. Ha! I should know better. There's a reason He's the Director and not me, but I sure want to implement my own plan and my own timing. However, in the meantime, as I struggle with what I know to be right...that the Lord's way is always the right way versus what I want to happen today..... I will continue seeking Him for patience and a good attitude as I "wait patiently for Him". As I wait for Him to give me my hearts desire in HIS perfect timing, as I trust in Him. Trusting has never been easy for this broken girl. Even trusting the One who has or who will never hurt me.

Six weeks. ONLY six weeks. Six weeks of adventures and memories I never had before today. Six weeks of lessons learned I could have never learned any other way.Six weeks I would not rewind for the world. Only Six weeks. Only Forty two days. Only one thousand one hundred eight hours.

Eight years later I'm still crying...realities of divorce

I tried to fix it. I tried to fix him. I tried to make it work. I tried. But I couldn't fix it. I couldn't fix him. I couldn't fix it then, I can’t fix it now. Some would like to make you believe that time heals all wounds. I disagree. Time ages the wound, but they still exists. Sometimes those wounds will reopen and the pain will hurt even more than you remember that first day it happened. I’m not sure emotional wounds ever heal because unlike physical wounds our minds won’t allow us to forget the memories that are so vividly played over and over in our mind. Some 8 years ago I tried stopping the bleeding of a wound but I couldn't. I tried. For the sake of two little lives I was willing to sacrifice my life. Yet the wound continued to bleed. Today as the tears fall, I am reminded this wound will never heal. Ever. My heart breaks every time I think about it. Tears flow when I am reminded that I can’t take the pain away from the very ones I was trying to shield it from. I wanted to. I tried. I cry because even today I can’t. It won’t be until we see Jesus face to face and he wipes away our tears, that this wound will be healed.

I’m sorry Lord. I’m sorry for my part of disobedience. For every action there is a consequence. In my disobedience I made a decision and now I will forever live with the consequences of that one choice. I thank you for your forgiveness. But I also thank you that you give me free will and in doing so, I must face the consequences of my choices.Satan doesn't win. Even when we make choices that go against Your perfect will, You still are in control and in all things you will use them to bring Yourself glory and me closer to You. 

^“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.” Genesis 50:20 

Happy 4th of July!!!!!

As most of us celebrates the 4th of July and the beauty of it, there is a small population that has decided that they are going to sit in their small corners and pout. They have decided and I quote, "why should I as a woman of color celebrate July 4th..." I won't give this person the honors of having any more of their words take up space on my blog because, well their words aren't worthy. I'm sure you can see where that speech was going. If not let me give you a hint: towards slavery. Isn't it always. Anytime we have a day celebrating America some black person somewhere is going to stand up and remind the world of the deep dark past of America. It's bound to happen. I get it. I do. America has an ugly past. A really ugly past. But guess what, so do I and so do YOU. Let me paint a picture.

I have a past, as I am sure you do too. There are things I have done that I do not want anyone in this entire world to ever find out. Jesus knowing is enough to make me cry, if a human being ever found out I would probably want to die. Seriously. If you think really hard there is something or more than one thing you've done in your life that if it were ever exposed to the right somebody you would be completely mortified. If this doesn't fit you, I'm sure there's something you wouldn't want mom and dad to know you did. So as you think about that thing you've done in your past that you aren't that proud of, imagine finding the man/woman of your dreams and somehow that thing was exposed. S/he found out that thing! We all say, hope, pray and believe in a true love that says they would accept you "flaws and all", right? We make songs about it, there are a multitude of  "love/relationship guru's" on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook that have you believing that there is a love out there like that. Jesus is that Love. (SN: human love does exist like this. I have a boyfriend who accepts me flaws and all. He knows ALL my past, even that thing and loves me still. The only advice I can give is seek God for the right man and then you can be sure you'll get him). Your true love found out your past and accepted you flaws and all, and during your relationship never did s/he bring up your past. Would you be surprised?? I'm sure you're probably shaking your head yes. If you had asked me this several years ago, I'd be shaking my head right along with you. But today I can say no. That's only because I'm currently in a relationship where my past is never brought up. As ugly as it is, when my boyfriend said he accepted me flaws and all, he really did. He isn't like the others that said he did but as soon as an  opportune time presented itself my past was thrown in my face. We have all experienced that and we all know it hurts. We all know it hurts to trust someone, make yourself vulnerable to them and when it becomes beneficial to them they bring up your past. The past hurts. We are never proud of the mistakes we made in our past. The things we did then are done. In the heat of the argument how many times have you heard yourself yell, " WHAT'S DONE, IS DONE!!! THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!!" Because the truth of the matter is what you did several years back can't be undone. It can't. No amount of tears, fighting, yelling, anger, cursing...nothing is going to fix what has already been done.. What is done is done. The question now remains, can they accept you for what you did or can't they.

You might be asking, okay I get all of this relationship stuff but what does a relationship have to do with America? Good question. I will tell you. America made a mistake in the past. What is done is done. No amount of pouting or rioting, or bickering or hating is going to fix it. It's done. Are we going to expect different standards in our relationships but not for others? We want to be forgiven and loved for who we are, but we are going to hold America to their deep dark past until we just can't do it any longer. Really?! Is that really how we want to do things. Slavery happened. It's ugly. Really, really, really ugly. Nothing is going to take that history away. Nothing can fix it. Nothing can make it go away. It hurts. It's an embarrassing history of America. Nothing is going to make what has already happened go away. (**note: for those who don't know slavery is actually still happening currently RIGHT NOW in our world) Can we just acknowledge America's past, like our own, is not pretty. As we expect to find someone to embrace us flaws and all, embrace America, the land of the Free. FLAWS and ALL!

Single Motherhood Expectations

Some days are harder than others. I love my kids. My kids literally are why I get up every morning. I can’t imagine life without them. But this isn’t about them. This is about what others don’t realize about the life I live as a single mother. (Background. I was once married. For eight years. Both my kids were conceived in a marriage and birthed with both a mom and dad at their delivery. Through a series of events that will likely never be discussed, that is no longer the case. I said that to say, I know what it’s like to be married, I get it. I understand. Now on to the point at hand). There are some expectations of me from others, that at times I don’t think are fair. (yes, I know life isn’t fair) Some want things and commitments from me that they would expect from others who run a household with two people. Yet, when I decide it’s in my best interest not to commit, I feel like I am given a guilt trip. I understand there are some things that are right and just, that should be committed to, but I just can’t. Over the last few years, I have developed some health issues that has caused me to put my health higher on the priority list than it has previously been. However, no one would know this because the only time I am ever contacted is when I am needed for something. I can go missing for months at a time and there is never a phone call, text or a visit, yet if they need something from me, they can always find me. I admit, there is some bitterness that has crept in. I am earnestly praying that the Lord help me with this. The love of my life told me something once and it has really stayed with me. In a conversation he said, “Loyalty costs”. And he’s right. I can’t be loyal to someone who over and over continues to hurt me. When I have made it completely clear that I feel neglected and nothing continues to be done. Loyalty costs. I will continue to be loyal to those that I know will be there for me.

As a single mother I can’t do the same things that those who have a household with two parents do. I go to work and I have two children and one car. I have to juggle how to get each child to each designated place at each specific time. This task written sounds extremely easy, but believe me it is as difficult as difficult gets. Throw in there, medication that I am on that causes extreme tiredness. I have to manage all this with no help at all. Do I sound bitter much?! I am. Pray for me.

If you know a single parent, do something nice for them. Let them know their presence matters when they are absence. Let them know they are loved. Imagine what you and your husband/wife do daily. Maybe even write down a “day in the life of your household”. Now imagine doing ALL that by yourself. And please spare me the high and mighty “it’s not my fault they are a single parent” because but by the Grace of God your spouse could be taken tomorrow and it could be YOU! 

And remember healthy boundaries apply to you too. When someone says, no. No means no. 

So about that Jump

Long story short, it didn't happen. Period. It really sounded like a great idea at the time. It felt like I could do it. But I can't. I won't. There were some things I didn't think through when I decided to make this jump. Some practical things. I was caught up in the emotion of it all. Yet, it wasn't a thought out process. I wish I could just act on emotion alone, but I can't. There are much bigger things to consider, which I didn't. The great thing about this all is, "the heart of man plans his ways, but the Lord establishes his step" (Proverbs 16:9). Once I saw that I wasn't going to jump, I didn't make peace with it. I just accepted it. However, as the days have continued to come and go some days have been easy to accept this fact, and others have been hard..really, really hard. But one thing I can trust is that the Lord is ordering my steps--or in this case--my jump. He sees and knows that which I do not. I trust in that. Some days God will give me just a hint of vision of why jumping at the specific time I wanted may not have been the right time. In it all, as it has always been,when my plan doesn't work out..I must trust in His. There are a lot of "trust" verses, the Lord has given me. Proverbs 3:5-6 is my life verse (Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge Him and he shall direct your paths ). Psalm 73:26  (My flesh and my my heart may fail,, but God is the strength of my life) is on my refrigerator as a daily reminder. This is real life folks. The Bible is my guide.

With time and continued trust in the Lord, the idea of still being on this ride as I watch those things I have grown to know as familiar, will become...easier. I hope. But even if they don't, I trust that where I am is where I am supposed to be until the Lord says otherwise.

Instead of ending this with a jump, as I thought in my last post, I end this with yet another ride. Except this time instead of just begrudgingly going along for the ride, this time around I will try and enjoy it. I will try and make the best of this ride...of life.

It's time to jump.

I'm ready to get off this roller coaster. The ups and downs. I can't do it anymore. The pain in my chest. The inability to breathe. The shaking. The obsessive amount of fear. I can't do it anymore. I want to get off this ride. I'm tired. I'm sick. 

From the outside looking in I look as though I have this ride under control. Like the ride is going smooth. The cheers and applauds of how well I'm doing, the praise, the admitted jealous from others.. It all sickens me.  My ride may indeed be different from the ride you have. With a smile plastered on my face, I look as if I'm okay. I look like the ride is smooth. Yet it's anything, but. My ride is rough and bumpy. Many of the bumps causing me to think I might just meet my destiny. The seatbelt is on. It's tight. But the swift moves of this ride has loosened the safety my seat belt once provided. As I continue to clinch the rails for dear life, I can feel its only a matter of time. The ride continues. Round and round. Up and down. Faster and faster with every round. The ride never stops, but I'm ready to get off. Every ride in life is more tolerable when you have someone along for the enjoyment. This ride is solo. All those I thought would come along with me, didn't. Those I trusted are there, but they're in the crowds... down below. They're smiling and waving. Their presence is so far from me. The smiles and waves from afar aren't helping me. The ride isn't less painful with people cheering *from the sidelines* Had they been there next to me on this ride holding my hand, the end result of this all could potentially be different. I stayed so long on this ride thinking as I passed them they'd hear my plea and cry for help. Were they listening to my cries with every round of this ride I passed them?! Was I not loud enough with my pleas? Were they so preoccupied in other things that my ride was insignificant compared to what was happening in their direct view?! All the lies they told me. They told me we were family. They told me they cared. But on this ride none of that has been evident. Why couldn't they see my tears behind the smiles. Why was I begging and pleading to be seen, to no avail. It's time to make a change. I'm ready to get off this roller coaster. 

For eight years I've continued to ask, " how does one get off a ride that doesn't stop?!" See, we all know when it comes to a roller coaster ride, you wait until it stops, unfasten your seatbelt and walk off the ride. Simple, right? Wrong. This ride is different. This ride doesn't stop. This ride continues. Imagine with me...a roller coaster that continues but somehow an individual has to get off. What is the plan? How does someone get off a ride that doesn't stop. That remains the question. From my view above the crowd, as the one on this ride, I find there are only two choices: 1) jump off. 2) stay on. Brilliant, right? It seems the outcome of either choice results in damage. So at this point the decision really lies in choosing one of the two choices that will leave the least amount of damage. If I jump from a ride that is going at a speed that I can't even calculate, will I survive? However, if I stay on this ride will I eventually end up falling to my demise anyways?! 

I choose. I choose to jump. Staying on this ride hasn't worked this far, so there's no reason for me to believe anything will change if I stay on. Staying on is also an easy out. It doesn't take courage for me to continue doing what I've been doing. The courage comes in doing something I haven't done. I must jump. If I calculate my jump correctly, not only will I survive with very minor damage but I'll be given a chance at life. Because as of today on this ride, I'm not living. I'm merely existing. I'm ready to live. I'm ready to see all that there is to see beyond this ride. What exactly lies beyond what my eyes have been able to see on this ride?? I don't know, but I'm ready to find out. I'm ready to jump. 

1....2......It's time.