Disjointed ramblings.

I’m so full of emotions. Nothing cohesive I am penning tonight. Just thoughts. Life is so full of “stuff” right now. Good stuff, great stuff, better stuff and a little not-so-good stuff. I am six months away from a dream I’ve wanted for a very long time. Being a college graduate. Yet, today I am not as excited as I think I should be. There are exams, exams, statistics, exam…and yeah, one more full semester. Then it all ends. But until then, I must go through the tough process, the daily in and outs of doing the work.  I’m so close to the end  but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to cry when I’m looking at regressions, and trying to manually calculate t- tests. Today was just one of those days. Wednesdays are SO hard for me. I’m in school the same amount of hours during the day, one would work a full time job. Then once I get home there’s really no rest, I have single mom duties. That looks entirely different than someone who can drop the ‘single’ off the mom title. After days and days of studying for my statistics exam, and passing it—up to bat is my counseling exam I have tomorrow and a Research methods exam on Monday. While I try and figure out how to study for those, I must try and figure how exactly I scheduled my son’s dentist appointment the exact same day as mine, and how exactly I will manage to make those both happen. If I hadn’t rescheduled both our appointments already a million times, I’d consider rescheduling. Rescheduling just isn’t an option. So in my  brain while I force counseling theories inside, along with 2x2 factorial designs and when to use them, I gotta find some room to crunch numbers to make sure I can go to my dentist appointment, while making sure my son doesn’t miss his orthodontist appointment. Sigh. I’m tired.  Oh, but then there is work. Yes, I must have a job too. Granted I feel I’m working solely for the wardrobe given the hours, or lack thereof I get..I’m employed.

As the love of my life would say, I’m Mrs. Grumpy Bear tonight. Fear not, I also have some happy feelings within I am trying to process. The details surrounding those are not something I want to discuss…YET….but the happiness consist of so many twists and turn, it’s amazing. On the daily, I think of this new aspect of life I am entering and I am thrilled. There has been this missing thing for a long time from my life and I had made peace to always not have it. God said otherwise. In one day, everything I thought was..changed. For the best.  For the BEST. The end of the year and next year will be filled with lots of exciting things.

 Dude, I read over this blog post and the student in me thinks I likes me some commas! So if you’re reading this and you’re an English major…you can suck it!!! (teasing) 

 

So, how about them apples?! 

Hair update

A quick update on my new hair decision to cut some off!! Enjoy!

M.I.A

I'm really not MIA, I'm actually hiding on purpose. Well sorta. I'm knee deep in school and all that comes along with that. I've had exam after exam that requires a lot of my time. The semester is a third of the way done and this year is my last, so it has my priority. One day I'll write a post of just how important this journey of graduating college is for me. 

I promise I haven't abandoned you, blog. I'm just a bit busy. I do love you<3 

❤❤❤

My Invisible pain

Today I'm in pain. I don't walk with a limp, or whence or grimace outwardly. I still giggle (loudly) when something is funny. I'm able to go through my day rather successfully (now). I can cook meals for my kids. I can run and walk. But I'm in pain. My pain is invisible. But it's pain nonetheless. I can't do much without crying. My emotional state is not balanced. Internally I feel out of control. I'm tired. I'm angry. Anxiety is my best friend. All of which is invisible. Some moments these emotions occur all at the same time. Sometimes without any reason known to me. There isn't a pill to make this pain go away. Although I'm medicated, the medication is just so I can live a "normal" life. There was once a time panic and anxiety attacks were a frequent occurrence. Sleep was non existent. I remember that day in the kitchen sitting on the floor crying because I had absolutely no energy to cook for my kids, all the while feeling like I was literally losing my mind. I remember sleeping days away and wanting nothing more than to get on the road and run again. I remember pain so excruciating reminisce of when I birthed my first child (no anesthesia).I learned my lesson. Child number two, I whole heartily welcomed the drugs. SN: For those who think you're less than a mom for getting anesthesia ...go ahead and enjoy that childbirth pain, AND just know the worse is yet to come. 18 years baby. You just wait. Any who, those were the bad days. Every day was a bad day then. Several years to diagnose, many doctors and more poking and blood tests than I want to remember... Now I can live. But I'm still in pain. Monthly. This is beyond the regular cramps women get. Beyond a slight mood change. This is PMS on steroids. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder. PMDD for short. (http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder)

Although the pain is one that can't be seen to others, it definitely can be felt by the one experiencing it. Take away message: not everything you see can be explained or even judged. Be kind. You just never know what someone may be dealing with. 

❤❤❤

Quotes.

I love quotes. Like, really love them. During a really rough time in my life, I kept a small notebook with me and anytime I saw a quote that spoke to me, I wrote it down. To this day I still have that notebook. In honor of that, I think I'll start sharing some of my favorite quotes that I come across as I peruse the internet these days. Then there are my oldies but goodies and I might just bring them out to share. Here's one I just read on a make-up blog and it jumped out and screamed at me. 

“Don’t let anyone tell you that what you’re doing is wrong, or bad, or is a mistake… It’s makeup, you can wash it off. It’s not like your love life, or problems with your family. You should be open, you should be creative, you should get crazy.” 

-Troy Jensen

 

Wednesdays

Today was a hard day. Wednesdays from here on out will be days I'll want to cry. Until the semester ends, Wednesdays are filled with 6 hour days of school. No breaks in between. Straight classes. Statistics. Research Methods. Psychology. My life for the next year. I've been on this journey to complete school for a very long time. I'm near the finish line and it hurts. It hurts like the last few miles of a race. You know how you've trained for a race, and you line up to begin and think you've got it?? All is well until you reach those last few miles to the end. Then the mental games begin and you start questioning why you thought you could even do this. This is where I'm at. The race to my desired dream of a full college education is almost complete. Yet, almost isn't good enough. I must keep going. I must. On days like today when the weight of school, motherhood, work--or the lack thereof--and life, is just too much; I must continue. Thankfully,The Lord has given me a very supportive and loving boyfriend who gently and with the utmost care listens to me cry and softly picks me back up to continue. He's that voice you hear cheering your name in the crowd when you're near the finish line of your race. As your thoughts race through your head, as you breathe heavily with sweat pouring down. You hear some where in the crowd, " Mom, you can do it!!!" Of all the "Moms" running, you just know that's the voice for you. As you look to the side you see those sweet little feet running beside you to encourage you. My sweet Angel Love, he's those sweet little feet running beside me encouraging me along this journey. My love for him runs deep. After a day like today hearing his beautiful voice makes it all okay. I made it through today and if The Lord sees fit, tomorrow shall arrive. Thank you Lord for mercies anew.

                  

                 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
                        his mercies never come to an end;
²³                            They are new every morning;
                            great is your faithfulness.
²⁴                      "The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
                          “therefore I will hope in him.”

 Lamentations 3: 22-24

Who is "Black Girl in Utah"?

That would be me. Yeah, enough said. KIDDING! Hi, my name is Tabitha and it might be a tiny bit obvious, but I now reside in Utah. I am a black girl in Utah. Not only do I live in Utah, but I really love living here. This title of my blog came about with something that happened to me the other day. However, this blog won't be all about the perils of being black in Utah. There's actually a lot of symbolism in the title of the blog. What color comes to mind when you think of " Utah"? White, right? If that's so then you're following right along with me. I am black in a white world--so to speak. Black and white mixed together creates gray. Gray is where I am when I am trying to balance the internal voices. The voices of my black culture and my white culture. Black and white also represents rules. We use phrases like " this is black or white". So in it's totality black and white represents who I am. Outside of my race and where I live, the title of the blog fits my personality. My personality as it was, not as it is becoming. I now have added a splash of pink to my black and white. How did we go from black and white to pink?! Pink represents all the other parts of me that does not fit inside the pretty little boxes of black or white. Pink represents my femininity that I walk fully in. I am a gal who loves all things pink and girly. You may even catch a few posts about makeup or hair related stuff. Pink represents things that I love like running, swimming, biking, triathlons and fitness. It also represents Psychology. I am currently a college student studying Psychology. I love it. Last but not least, pink represents Jesus. I love Jesus. Let me repeat: I love Jesus. I attend a church and am religious by the mere definition of the word, but I LOVE JESUS. Therefore, it will be very unlikely you'll find me NOT talking about Jesus. I am nothing without Him and He's in everything I am and do. So you'll be seeing the name of Jesus a lot around these parts of the net.

Confused yet? If so, that's okay. We're together in this confusion. I am not confining myself to a box of what I will or won't blog about. If it's important to me and I feel the need to blog about it, you'll find it here. My hope is that my ideas, thoughts and experiences can help someone else. Thank you for joining me on this new journey of blogging!