That "click"

It just happens.  Without permission. Without desire. One day you wake up and that feeling you thought you could never feel again is there. It's not an everyday kinda feeling. It's not something you can manufacturer or even make yourself feel. It just happens.

Chemistry.

It is reminiscent of an object being drawn in by a magnetic force. The force overwhelmingly pulls you in. The object has no choice but to be on beck and call. It becomes the servant to the master. No matter how much I ponder on this fascinating thing,  it remains unexplainable. It's as real as real is. But can't be seen. It can only be felt. This energy can't be lust because physical intimacy isn't involved. It's not infatuation because it's beyond what you even want. What you desire isn't even taken into consideration when this connection happens. It's something that takes over and begins to just exist. It takes up room in your heart without a deposit.

I think I always want it to be this way. I want to *feel* the connection. I want to *feel* chemistry.

While feelings are in no way are indictators of what is right, or what should be. They play the role of a check engine light alerting you that something needs your attention. I like the way this feels. It allows me to know I'm alive. It makes me feel alive. I've been on the other side of this coin. The side where the pain hurt so much I could only stop feeling. Not just pain, but everything. I just existed. For much too long I existed in this state. And while it was safe, it was miserable and unpleasant in every sense of the word. And while where I am now is equally uncomfortable and some days painful-- I want this side. I want to feel whatever emotions I may be experiencing. This allows me to grow. To experience. To learn. To love. To hope. To believe. To desire. To be human. To loosen the reins of control.

There are a lot of things in life that out of our control. Top among those, are feelings and emotions. Yet,  it's these that can often times tell you more about what's going on inside of you, than words themselves. And what I'm being told TODAY is.....in this world of nightmares....it's safe to believe in fairytales, afterall.

Fearing the unknown

I can't get over the fear. That which I desire most,  I fear. Fear holds me captive. I'm a prisoner who holds her own keys. The locked door is so very near, and I hold the key. But the fear of opening the door and seeing all that might be on the other side,  keeps me imprisoned. I want so badly to experience the other side. I want to breath the fresh air,  see the beauty of my surroundings. Engage with the people.  There is freedom that comes with reaching a desire and seeing it come into existence. But I just can't extend my reach far enough to put the key in the lock and let myself out of my own self imposed prison.  The prison I don't want to be in. The prison I daily grieve and wish to be different. But it all lies in my hands.

I just can't. I want to,  but I can't. My dreams,  my desires. I want all those. But they stay locked in this prison with me until I find the courage to come out. I have experienced courage in so many things, and I know the journey isn't over. There is so much more to overcome, says the mighty princess warrior that lives within me. But she's missing what she needs to get to the other side. I can't loosen  myself from these self imposed shackles of fear which keep me bound. But when and how did this all happen?  When did fear become so great it paralyzed me. The answer is obvious. The reality is frightening.

For so long this princess warrior has fought her battles alone. She's broken free of so many things. She's reached so many heights with no one by her side. She's been strong so long. The question must be asked, is it really fear that holds her captive,  or is she merely waiting to be rescued. Somewhere in the distance her knight must be awaiting her. But she'll never know because fear keeps her imprisoned. All that she wants from life is on the other side of the door. Yet between her and the door continues to stand one thing.  Fear.

Perpetual cycle

It's an unending cycle. I'm a hamster in a wheel. I'm also that person who can peer inside the wheel and see the craziness. I'm both. At the same time. But I can't make it stop. The wheel continues to spin around and around, and I don't get off. I want it to stop. But I also don't want it to stop. I love it. And I hate it.

My perpetual cycle.

Within me I agonize over the pain it causes, the damage I know it's doing. But while in agony, a smile finds its way through because I'm also reminded how powerful it makes me feel. How much control I have. I loudly proclaim and embrace with much authority, the deadly weapon I have. The pleasure is beyond words at times. The struggle is alive. The enemy has a tight foothold. The grip is strong.

One day I'll wake up and say enough! But this scene has played out more times than I like to admit and as time passes, with every choice, I'll find myself back on this wheel.

It's endless. It's painful. It's pleasure.

Best quote EVER!!

"You’re not going to die. Here’s the white-hot truth: if you go bankrupt, you’ll still be okay. If you lose the gig, the lover, the house, you’ll still be okay. If you sing off-key, get beat by the competition, have your heart shattered, get fired…it’s not going to kill you. Ask anyone who’s been through it.”Daneille LaPorte

Feeling stuck

Have you ever gotten to a place in life where you feel you're supposed to be doing something more, but you don't know what that something is? Or, you thought you knew what you would be doing in the next five years, but life throws you an unexpected curve ball and you feel....um....stuck?

Yeah, that's where I am right now. I feel stuck. But I don't know what I am stuck in/on/to. I just don't know. I do know I want more than what I have now. I do know that I am a student and a learner, and I desire to take the next steps educationally. The twists and turns that my mind takes as I try and figure out what my next move is, makes me dizzy! Can I just be honest.......while I want my Master's, I do not want the debt that comes with it. While I love psychology and all things mental health, I don't think I want to do therapy, even though I want to be a therapist. Are you dizzy yet?? Well if not lets continue with the twists and turns.....I can always teach, yeah but I don't want that either. It would take very little for me to teach now with my undergraduate degree, yet I don't want to be anywhere near the kids of this generation teaching them! (sorry) The pay isn't great, it's not my heart's desire and well the kids these days haven't really fallen from good trees-if you know what I mean. So I'm stuck.

Stuck in a job I currently like because it is so well suited for my personality. I like to work alone. I like having a goal and meeting it with no micromanaging involved. I like flexibility. My current job is absolutely perfect in all those areas. But. But I still feel stuck. I can't identify if the stuck feeling is rooted in pride--where I want a Masters degree because of the label of having one. Then there's this thing where I can't decide if me wanting to get the degree is because I feel like I have to. I am trying to search each of these deeply to find the root of my desires. What I do know is that I have a hunger for more learning when it comes to my passion of mental health. I am the girl who reads every article that comes my way in regards to anything mental health related. I am the girl who is up late at night with a flashlight reading articles that usually teachers assign to students in school. I just love learning about mental health. I love it. I want more of it. This is all I know. I was afforded this luxury in undergrad where I was able to get my degree with no real desire to pursue a career--and it didn't cost me any student loan debt. (thanking Jesus for grants!) However, as I think about continuing onto higher levels, I know this comes with a cost. So I have to make sure I am laser focused going into this with a plan. I know plans don't always work out--BELIEVE YOU ME, DO I KNOW THIS--but a plan is wise. I need to know what I want to do with the degree, and if the career choice I decide will allow me to have the earning power I need to pay of the debt I'll incur. Debt is horrible to have as you are tied to it forever. Unlike some debt, there is no getting out of student loan debt. I just don't know if I'm about that life.

So for now I will continue to stay stuck. I'll continue praying about it, and trusting that the Lord has me where He wants me. I'll stay put until I get further notice from Him to move forward. And I don't mean audible voices--but the Lord can orchestrate things so that they work in my favor and He has me where He wants me--if it isn't where I am now.

*shrugs shoulders*

Live in the now

This quote is so powerful. Its time for me to stop going over and over in head the why, and just deal with the right now. The right now is happening and I have to get on board. Stop asking questions and just live. Man, is this easier said than done. Every day I wake up I'm asking why. I just don't get it. But life has taught me in the worse ways... My blueprint of life is not the one that's being built. Jesus has His own blueprint and it seems as I try to follow it, I just don't get it right. The house of my life has been architectured by God. As I try and add my own little touches to this house, it fails. I must continue adding touches where I feel the touches should go. But when the Design Architecture says no, no it is. Whenever I make my own little decisions without following the Manual, it all goes south. If only I could learn this. No shortcuts. At. All. 

Why the new name?

Why not. The end. Ha, just kidding.

I have been thinking of changing the name of this blog for a while. For several reasons, but the main one being I no longer live in Utah. The title just wasn't fitting. So why the new name? As I lay in bed one night thinking all that kept coming to me was Lamentations 3:22-23.

"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end" (ESV). 

The Lord's mercy is so wonderful. Every morning His mercies are new. They are so wonderful. And everyday I fail Him, but His mercy towards me is renewed daily. I am in awe of this. This verse has been one that I have held onto for years. I am so thankful for His mercies anew. As I continue to walk this life with Him, and as I continue to fail Him-He loves me regardless. I deserve nothing that He gives me, but He does it because He loves me. I continually fail Him in areas where I know better. And instead of ruminating in the guilt and shame of these failures, I hold on to this promise. So today is a new day, and today I can start fresh with the Lord's mercy. Yesterday and its failures are no more. Today is a new day. As I try to walk this walk in obedience to God and His Word, as I whine to God about other Christians who are not doing it the right way and so I why do I have to, as I sulk in my "woe is me" attitude..I must just keep walking. I know obedience is better than sacrifice. So I've had to sacrifice to walk in obedience. I wish it wasn't so. I so wish. There is always room for forgiveness and improvement, but when that is not desired, sacrifices must be made.

1 Samuel 15:22-23 (NIV) .."Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the Lord? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams. For rebellion is like the sin of divination, and arrogance like the evil of idolatry."

There are a lot of verses in the Bible about obedience (see HERE) and I really do think when I show that I am willing to trust Him and His Word over my human emotions--I am showing Him that I love Him. Don't mistake this for some self righteous-religious attitude, or some sort of religious duty I must do to obtain entrance into heaven. No. My home in heaven is secure because of what Jesus did on the cross. But it is because of that costly payment of death on the cross that the least I can do is live in obedience to Him. And man, do I get this wrong so much of the time!!!! (but again--His mercy)


So that I don't make this sound like a piece of cake, this road of walking in obedience is a very lonely one. But I am prepared to continue walking it alone-with just me and Jesus.  A lot of professing believers (or Christians) are okay with having a little Jesus, but living as they please. The more you grow with Jesus and see His goodness, the more you reflect on just how sinful you really are and what is deserving of all you've done, the more you read the Bible and think about His sacrifice--a war between flesh and spirit should be a constant battle. I have had three long years of this fight (and not just once, but two times over!) The battle has come to an end. I choose obedience to the Word, even though that has cost me something dear to my heart. But nothing I give up in this life as an act of obedience will ever compare to the life of Jesus that was given up for me.

In case you got lost in my long winded-ness and didn't get why the new blog name----mercy. God's mercy is a beautiful thing that I experience daily.

Graduate School

So the process begins. It's for real. Like for real, for real. I have started the application to apply for graduate school. I say for real, for real because I've put my money where my mouth is. I have paid for a few things associated with merely starting the application. There are a few more fees to go before I will be finished applying, but I have started. This is my hearts desire. Keeping in mind, I may not get accepted to this school, I am only focusing on the fact that I have started the process to go. One step at a time. Next month makes a year. A YEAR (whew!) that I graduated with my Bachelors. I really can't believe an entire year has gone by since I reached that dream. And now I am on to my next one. There are so many reasons why I have talked myself out of starting this new journey, but me and the Lord has done this thing long enough for me to know what I must pursue. See, sometimes when  I want to do something, I take it to the Lord and He says no. I always know when it's a NO, because the desire to pursue it will only diminish. But when I am to go after something the desire only increases in intensity. So after twelve months of going back and forth and never knowing where I'd actually apply, or IF I'd ever apply...I'm here. In this moment, I am neither excited nor unexcited. I just am. I have no emotions attached to this journey because I've processed the emotions for the last 12 months.

My life is crazy busy right now--I work more than 40 hours a week, I single mom this life with two active teenagers, I have some medical issues which of one causes great exhaustion, and last but not least the other half of my heart is in a different city and I yearn for us to be together. I said all that to say, I have no idea what my future looks like in regards to anything. But God willing, life will continue and I have to plan accordingly. So grad school is in my desired plans. Not sure how I will manage it with the hours I work. Not sure how Mini Me will stay the social butterfly with my work schedule + grad school. I am clueless as to how in the world I will get my yearning met by committing a few more years of my life to this new state I am in, while my baby is in another state. I don't know. I have no answers. But, I know the One Who has all the answers. I have faith and trust that He will work it all out. One thing I know is He has made me to go after what I want. There is no stopping me once I want something. So as I continue to build a great network of people here in this beautiful new state, I am sure I can make it all happen. And you know what, if I can't...I will continue to push forward. Graduate school is in my future. I hope my most near future, but if not it is in my future somewhere. Wish me luck on this new chapter, of my new book of life I have begun writing!

Complicated thinking

See, the thing about me is I'm a black and white thinker. I just am. It's either this or it's either that. There's no both. I don't do gray. Yet here in lies my problem. I've made all the necessary plans to start working out again. I've even gone so far as to join a gym!  *gasp* I'm excited and thrilled. But confused. Tonight I searched the interwebs and found all sorts of triathlons and half marathons I'd love to do. I told myself some time ago, that it was best for me to go back to running. Then on the other hand,  I peruse the interwebs and I'm bombarded with fitness stuff. Stuff that reminds me of the "good old days". The days I could bounce coins off any part of this body. The days when my abs were thebomb.com. Those were the days. Not really. Those were also the days I was obsessed with how I looked and what I ate. But you see, it didn't start off that way. I started the fitness journey with innocence, but somewhere in the midst of it things turned really ugly. I told myself I'd never go back there. So that's why tonight I sit in confusion of what I should do.

I guess I should tell you another thing about myself... I need goals. I need something to reach or I'll do nothing. I need a race or a bikini shoot or even a vacation. I have to have something that motivates me even when I don't want to workout. Do I begin training for a half marathon or triathlon-those things I love. Or do I begin hitting the weights hard so I'm not making ugly faces at my cellulite-i love the results. Even as I write all this down,  I just don't know.

Similar to the the children of Israel in the Bible,  I miss my Egypt. But the thing about Egypt is "the reality is forgotten". I had an awesome body,  but one that wasn't really maintainable. I mean I wasn't going to live my life eating salmon and tuna. Nah buddy. It's when that reality hit and I began gaining weight, I FREAKED out. Not just a little freak out either. I'm talking major,  F.R.E.A.K.O.U.T!!!!! Then as time continued to pass the reality set in that where I was,  WAS indeed reality. And the other stage was just a stage. I can't even explain the mental distress this causes. To those who haven't experienced it,  it sounds trivial. But believe me,  it's anything but.  I don't want that again.

Running and triathlons made me happy. It wasn't about aesthetics. It was simply about being fit. And I was always content during those times. Weights brought about a vanity I didn't care for. Yet it's so much easier for me to spend 15 minutes doing a weights routine,  than it is finding 30 minutes to an hour to run, or train for a race . Talk about confusion. I think I'm going to begin slowly. I just need to start. Start anything. Confusion keeps me stuck, and being stuck means I'm making zero progress. So for today,  I will make up mind to just do something. Where that something leads,  I'll let you know.

I write.

There is always a voice within me that is never still. I write. What I write may never make it to this blog, but I write. I write because I have to. I write because it is who I am. Writing is how I exhale that which is inside. I exhale my words, and inhale the peace that comes from writing it all down.